42 things Tom Brady will 100% say as a Fox Sports analyst

In case you missed it yesterday, Fox Sports signed Tom Brady to a $375 million deal — more money than he’s earned in salary over the course of his entire playing career — to be their lead color commentator for NFL games when he retires in, oh, let’s call it 2047. Why Fox elected to pay Brady this much money isn’t all that hard to discern. He’s the most famous football player in history, and Fox wants a name-brand guy to occupy the booth both for the internal prestige and because Joe Buck and Troy Aikman have left that network to ply their trade over at ESPN.

Unlike Tony Romo, Brady will not be entertaining in the booth. Or insightful. Gold excited. Or even alive, really. What he WILL be is meticulous about withholding his candor, which is of course what we all love from someone paid to give us a candid look into the sport. Tom Brady is a strategically dull man, forever drawing inspiration from the lobotomized. He can’t even make kissing his own son on the mouth all THAT compelling. When he takes over the Fox booth alongside play-by-play man Kevin Burkhardt, he’ll almost certainly prove as useless a commentator as Joe Montana turned out to be (Montana joined NBC as a studio guy and lasted a Chevy Chase-esque nine weeks before leaving).

I still believe, much to my detriment, that there’s an interesting person somewhere inside Brady. But if such a person truly exists within that Plasticine melon of his, he’s never letting it come out, no matter how well compensated he may be. It’s not worth his time, and he believes that you, the little people, are better off being stupid anyway.

So, with that in mind, allow me to prepare you in advance for Brady’s ascension to the realm of color guys by mapping out, to the exact word, 42 things he will say while on the air. Let’s begin.

— (Reading off of a cue card) “I am excited for this one.”

— “Gisele and the boys are at home playing in our private water park, but I’ll tell you what: There’s no place I’d rather be right now than in Green Bay on a Sunday afternoon in October.”

— “What a lot of people don’t know about Roger Goodell is that he’s a genuinely funny guy.”

— “Wow.”

— “You hate to say that turnover was deflating, or at least, I hate to say it…”

— “Receiver ran the wrong route.”

— “You can’t put that one on the quarterback, Kevin.”

— “The pass protection just wasn’t there.”

— “Yes, that was a dirty hit. But I also think that flexibility was a factor in that injury to Lamar Jackson.”

— “So proud of Colts head coach Russell Wilson for leading the charge to make all bath products hypoallergenic. That’s an issue that not only affects NFL players, but all of us.”

— “To me, there’s been a tremendous amount of undervaluation of the running back position. You don’t win titles unless you have a James White type of player there.”

— (Sees a fan drinking a Bud Light Straw-Ber-Rita) “Not the flavor I would have chosen there.”

— “I know Gronk loves that flavor though.”

— “That’s what we call a big-time throw.”

— “I love playing golf, Kevin, just not in January!”

— “You know, I actually met Sean McVay once, and this is a fantastic story. We went out for dinner one night at Capo in Santa Monica, and he orders the crab torta. And he says to me, ‘Tom, I think I love a good dinner almost as much as I love football.’ I never expected to hear that from him.”

— “Zaydyn Corpp has to be more patient in letting these plays develop.”

— “Gisele and I don’t actually celebrate holidays at our home. If you work hard enough to make every day special, you don’t really need them.”

— (After a promo for “911: Fairbanks”) “Oh, I don’t like how cold it looks up there.”

— “The clock might start to be a factor here soon.”

— (Five minutes later) “Still plenty of time left on the clock.”

— “My dad is always asking me, ‘Tom, what’s with all this NFT business? Are they part of the NF-L?’ And I tell him no, NFTs are something else entirely, and they’re valuable not just in terms of money, but in much more meaningful ways as well.”

— “Such an honor to have dinner with Mr. Kraft and his 18-year-old girlfriend last night at their home.”

— “They could go for it here, Kevin, but they don’t have to.”

— “I’ve known coach Belichick a long time, and he always told me, ‘That guy is a weapon.’”

— “The Tuck Rule? … (light chortle) … Yeah, I might be familiar with that a bit.”

— (After an absolutely flagrant pass interference call goes unflagged) “Interesting choice there by the officials not to call that.”

— (Goes dead silent during a shot of Donald Trump in the luxury box at a Bucs game)

— (After a promo for a NASCAR race) “Love my NASCAR!”

— “Everyone wants to ding Mike Vrabel for his clock management, but he told us in our meeting this week, ‘Tom, I’m always gonna do what’s best for my players.’ I think you have to respect that.”

— “Well you know, I grew up a Niners fan, and there’s really nothing like it.”

— “The Lions have to start a sixth-round pick at safety today, but I can think of another sixth rounder who ended up doing well for himself.”

— “I’m glad the Texans decided to give Adam Gase another shot. The guy just knows soccer.”

— “Here’s where hydration really starts to matter.”

— “Absolutely into the NFL’s efforts to promote justice, Kevin.”

— “I think players should be able to celebrate after making a great play, but …”

— (Shot of Peyton Manning in the stands) “Whoa, hey, I still get nightmares thinking about having to face that guy!” (This is a lie)

— “Do you ever listen to a podcast, Kevin? Sure seems like there are a lot of them now.”

— “What I love about John Elway is that he cares about everyone in that building.”

— “Love being on boats. Who doesn’t?”

— “I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with replay. You can’t like calls going against you, but you have to like it when they don’t.”

— “I actually own many guns and won’t hesitate to use them.”

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