In case you missed it yesterday, Fox Sports signed Tom Brady to a $375 million deal — more money than he’s earned in salary over the course of his entire playing career — to be their lead color commentator for NFL games when he retires in, oh, let’s call it 2047. Why Fox elected to pay Brady this much money isn’t all that hard to discern. He’s the most famous football player in history, and Fox wants a name-brand guy to occupy the booth both for the internal prestige and because Joe Buck and Troy Aikman have left that network to ply their trade over at ESPN.
Unlike Tony Romo, Brady will not be entertaining in the booth. Or insightful. Gold excited. Or even alive, really. What he WILL be is meticulous about withholding his candor, which is of course what we all love from someone paid to give us a candid look into the sport. Tom Brady is a strategically dull man, forever drawing inspiration from the lobotomized. He can’t even make kissing his own son on the mouth all THAT compelling. When he takes over the Fox booth alongside play-by-play man Kevin Burkhardt, he’ll almost certainly prove as useless a commentator as Joe Montana turned out to be (Montana joined NBC as a studio guy and lasted a Chevy Chase-esque nine weeks before leaving).